dance.

i spent all day at home today. i woke up early to do a whole lot of stuff all scribbled on my to-do list, but it was raining and everything had to be shelved.

so i stayed home and did my homework, and watched tv. and for the first time in my life, i watched “so you think you can dance“.

it was amazing. spectacular. it was a back-to-back rerun of season 3, and i’ve just been glued to it all day. all of the dancers were just brilliant and to do a different dance routine each week and make it their own, it was hair-raising just watching them. i literally had shivers down my spine, and some of the dances were just sooo beautiful and touching, i almost cried.

i’ve always wished i had a special talent. i wish i could be more creative. i wish i could be a great designer. i wish i could draw better. but i think secretly, deep down inside, i really wish i could sing and dance.

i’ve always loved music and i’ve always enjoyed singing and dancing. not that i’m good at all, but i just love it. (hmm…i guess i’m only good enough for when i’m singing in the shower, or at karaoke with some friends.) i’ve always loved watching all those teen flicks where the kids dance so well. and today, as i watched “so you think you can dance“, i thought again to myself how i wish i could dance like them. it’s great watching how they move their bodies. there were so many different genres, but everyone was so talented, and cool and super sexy. i especially loved it when lacey and kameron danced their first contemporary number at the start of the competition. they killed it! it was so beautiful. i could feel the story through their dance and i could feel their pain and their agony.

i loved it. it’s inspiring, and just watching them made me feel good about myself, so i can only imagine how it must be to be them – inspiring others and making others feeling good about themselves, and in turn feeling even better.

i think because i love and wish i could sing and dance myself, i get extremely attracted to men who can sing and dance. very, very sexy. add in a great personality and a gorgeous face, aka takuya… very, very sexy. he’s sex on legs, thank you very much.

i feel that some things can be learned and trained, but things like singing and dancing, you need real talent to be good. and it’s something i have always wished for.

have any of you ever felt like that before?

i was just looking through my friendster photos, and i realised how much i really miss my japanese friends. i have like a million photos of my friends that we took together in and around tokyo, but because they are all on my removable hard drive, and because japan and singapore have different voltages, i can’t view or upload any of those photos!! (i didn’t wanna buy a transformer to convert the voltage cos that’s just a pretty expensive buy that i’ll only use for 2 months before i leave singapore again.) but now i’m regretting not buying one. shit. i really want to look at those photos.

well i just remembered receiving an email a couple of days ago, asking me about my friends from japan. so i did the only thing possible: i copied some off my own friendster page. *eyes rolling* bah. i wish i had more to show!! ugh i need my removable disk to come alive now!!!

so here’s a pretty long post of my memories of japan, captured in photos. *sigh*

a purikura taken with friends from my year1 class in bunka. they are so cute and stylish!!

in school with ruby, after one of our fashion shows.
ruby is one of the coolest girls i’ve ever met.
she’s really smart, and great to talk to, and fun!
what more can you ask for!
i love you ruby!!! (and sorry, do you mind if i put your photo up? )

the infamous japanese peace sign.

in kyoto with my class. god i had too many laughs with this bunch.

with hiroshi and…err.. some of yuka!!
hiroshi is a pretty silly guy who makes the weirdest comments
that have me in stitches.
but ultimately he’s just a silly guy but i love him!

at yakiniku with my beer buddies.

how can you not love them!
we always joke that all of us are quite retarded.

4 of us and an “outsider” in the middle.
i love non-chan (second from left) and seri (in red).
non-chan is my tokyo version of aygness.
in fact she’s way cooler and always hyper active.
seri is miss polkadot.
she only wears polkadots.

otaru in hokkaido. too beautiful for words.

undercoverism.
plain drunk.

bib and i. it’s true. we look good only when we’re in japan.

pop up sapporo tower.

pop up cheeks.

being a smap fan is never glamorous.

i love baikin-man. much more than anpan-man.

i’ll kiss you, shingo, even if you had a face like that.

and finally, i love disneyland.
i love mickey mouse speaking in japanese.
i love the magic.
i’ve been to tokyo’s disneyland 4 times and it wasn’t enough.







i realise that i look pretty satanic when i try to imitate pumpkins.

i received some emails after my post about smap. some were really encouraging (arigatou!), and some had questions. questions about whether it was even “healthy” that i am so in love with smap at this age.

if it makes me happy then why not? i don’t have a problem with it and i don’t care what you say.

i love smap and takuya and here are my reasons why.

1. they love to make fun of each other, and themselves

and that’s why i love them so much. even my parents, who can’t stand that i spend so much on them, watches their shows with me sometimes and they laugh too. they have no problems with picking on each other’s weakest points, and making it a laughing matter. and they do all sorts of impersonations. and it’s always hilarious!!!

here’s a clip from santaku, an annual 3 hour show of takuya and sanma, one of japan’s top comedians. they are great friends and that’s the only reason for the show. they meet and do stupid things. last year, they decided to imitate beyonce in one of her videos. we’re talking about a 33 and 50 year old guy here. it started out with takuya being the director and sanma being beyonce, but roles were switched sometimes when takuya had to “show” him how to do it.

i’ve watched and rewatched this show a million times and can never get enough.

then there’s shingo who had a character (for a tv show) called shingo mama, that became crazy popular. he continued with that character for many years before he had to stop because he said he was becoming too woman. haha! everyone loves shingo mama. she’s so funny!!

and one of my favorite episodes of smapxsmap was the one-time sma-court. where they decided to pick out problems with each other and “sue”. it was so freaking funny!! *warning, this is almost the entire episode, so it’s pretty long. but it’s worth the watch if you have some time!*

2. even hollywood loves them

i can’t tell you how proud i am of them. they have group or solo shows on tv, everyday of the week, be it starring in a drama, or hosting a program, or doing a variety show. their weekly smap program, smapxsmap (read smap smap), has been on air for 10 years now, and averages ratings of above 20%, sometimes as high as 27%. in fact, because smapxsmap has its time slot at 10pm on mondays, and it’s usually a drama starting from 9pm before that, you are considered to have “made it” as an actor, if you make it into a monday 9pm drama.

they have a cooking segment in the first half of their show, called bistro smap. then it’s usually different skits, before a talk and song session at the end. almost every hollywood star would go on as a guest in smapxsmap when they go to japan. why? because smapxsmap is a program that reaches out to people of all ages, male or female. it’s the best publicity.

here’s a list of some of tinseltown’s A-listers who have been guests.
michael jackson, janet jackson, madonna, will smith (at least twice), whoopi goldberg, cyndi lauper, cameron diaz (twice), jude law, black eyed pea, fergie, justin timberlake, backstreet boys, the stylistics, the temptations, the supremes, stevie wonder, haley joel osment, quentin tarantino, david beckham, daniel powter, nicholas cage, elijah wood, tobey mcguire, james brown, richard gere, jackie chan, jean leno, destiny’s child, lenny kravitz, tom cruise, steven spielberg……. and these are just those i can remember.

i mean, madonna and michael jackson!!! i don’t think i’ve ever seen them even appearing on variety shows like that!! i’d never seen madonna laugh like that before, especially when shingo danced hung-up for her. and michael jackson appearing on the show was just amazing.

i tried to find a clip of shingo auditioning for madonna but couldn’t. but you can watch her in bistro smap.

tsuyoshi, who speaks fluent korean, has been doing extremely well in korea. takuya and shingo have also made it to cannes!! takuya went once before; i think it was last year, for his role in 2046, directed by wong kar wai and starring some of asia’s biggest stars like gong li, xhang ziyi, maggie cheung, faye wong and tony leung. this year, takuya and shingo went to cannes, each with a movie in hand. takuya went for hero, a movie remake of the drama, which set a record in japan’s tv history with ratings as high as 36.8%. shingo went for saiyuuki, also a remake of the drama, about the monkey god.

3. takuya is so bloody gorgeous

here he is, singing his song, “ha” in concert. he did a jazzy version and i loved it.

if i remember he was also levi’s first asian model for its engineered jeans campaign some years back.

i also found this video that a fan made of takuya. ohhh he has the nicest smile.

i mean, shit, have you ever seen anyone so darn sexy?

but after all these years, it’s come to a point where i’ve grown to love all 5 of them. because of their different personalities, because they are doing what they love, with people they love. it’s so refreshing from the usual western crap where stars are so fake, you don’t know if it’s the image or the real person you’re looking at.

4. he picked me up when i was down

it was this song, “shiosai” (meaning, “the sound of the waves”), that i listened to nonstop when i was having my own problems. it helped me get back on my feet in so many ways.

5. “sekai ni hitotsu dake no hana”

which means “the one and only flower in the world” was named ‘song of the year’ in japan… for two years. it’s a song about not having to be the number one in everything. why do we humans have to fight for everything? we’re all different, and we should celebrate that, but yet we all want to be number one. we’re all just one flower in the world, but we have different kinds of seeds. to make that flower bloom, it’s enough for us to just do out best. whether we are a big flower, or whether we are a small flower, as a flower, not one of us are the same. we don’t have to be the best; we’re special just the way we are. we should aim to be the best unique individual that we can be. the only one.

this song had a huge impact on japan, when it was released. it was phenomenal. japan was in an economic slump. there was also the iraq war, and the japanese people used the song as an anthem, a plea for peace.

this song was also selected as the wake-up call on the space discovery mission STS-114, on flight day 13. some jails in japan are currently using this song as an anthem, where inmates sing it daily/weekly. the song has made its way into some textbooks, and some schools are also singing this song as their graduation song, in hope that their students will grasp its message, and go out into society and be better men and women.

6. i love their songs

they aren’t really good at singing. takuya and shingo are quite good. tsuyoshi and goro are pretty alright. nakai, one of japan’s top tv hosts, appearing on tv almost everyday, has spoilt his voice from all his hosting. he tries, but sometimes it doesn’t go too well. as for their dancing, err, let’s just say it’s a known fact that they aren’t that good and they don’t hide it, but rather make fun of it. they can’t syncronise and goro is usually half a beat too slow.

but hell, they started showbiz 20 years ago (shingo, the youngest, was just 10!!). it’s not about having to perfect their singing or dancing like any other pop group anymore. they’ve gone past that.

if you go to their concerts, most of the audience are women. some of them have grown up with smap, and now bring their daughters along. smap concerts are a family event. grandmothers and grandfathers go too. families go together. most of the dads
i see know all the songs as well as i do. in recent years, they even closed off sections of the venues just for male fans. and there are usually tons of celebrities who attend their concerts as well.

why?

because it’s pure entertainment. they don’t just sing and dance, they have a talk session, and they put up a real show. a 3.5 to 4 hour concert. i’ve been to so many concerts in my life and theirs’ have got to be the most fun.

here are some of my favorite songs (that i could find videos for!)

freebird, original smile, orange (this is like a cult song in japan. just about everyone i know sings it in karaoke.), zutto zutto (“forever”), dawn, easy go lucky, summer gate, yozora no mukou (“beyond the night sky” – another song also in textbooks all over japan), and arigatou (“thank you”). freebird and original smile, are must watches!! they just make me so happy!

oh god i have so many other reasons, but if you’ve even gone this far, i’d say most of you are bored by now. heh heh.

peace and smappin’ love,
gilda

“i can’t give you anything, but my love…”

this song by the stylistics has been stuck in my head for DAYS. but not really the original version. it’s a remake of it, used in a television commercial by gatsby, a really popular range of toiletries and hair products in japan. it has been playing over tv for ages in japan… i come back to singapore to find that they are promoting the product here as well, and surprise surprise, they managed to get the rights to use the same japan commercial here.

it’s EVERYWHERE. and yes, i’m proud to also mention that takuya is fronting the commercial. HAHAHA. you can watch the whole thing and the many different versions on the gatsby website.

or you can also watch a version here… of nakai, the leader of smap, dressed up as a tpical japanese salaryman (it’s for one of his variety shows). at first, he imitates takuya in the commercial. it’s hilarious. then when his co-hosts ask him to do the commercial as if it were his own, he did his own dance.

• t-shirt by undercover
• long vest by comme des garcons
• striped pants by me
• stud boots by junya watanabe

i’ve been in a really good mood lately and have been singing and dancing around. i must be high on something.

i’m going to watch soccer tomorrow and then stand-up comedy on sunday.
what are you guys doing this weekend?

i’m dying, i really am.

everywhere i go, i get reminded of my times in tokyo. i miss my friends, i do. i’ve been emailing them, exchanging photos, sending small video clips…

it’s killing me, and everyday i regret making the decision to leave.

it might have been the right choice, given my circumstances. but sometimes, right decisions are hard to make, and to put it bluntly, really suck.

i’m emailing my friends almost everyday these days. which is something we used to do anyway, just that now we can’t meet up and hang out like we used to. and it’s really hard keeping in contact with about 81 people (that’s the number i counted in my address book) but i’m trying. especially with my handful of really close friends.

i miss them, i miss my japan, i miss speaking japanese, and i miss smap.

i can’t even explain to you how much i do, but i do.

a long time ago, a friend once asked me why i liked them so much. my reply was,

“i can’t explain it, but they are my medicine box.“

yeah, laugh all you want, but it’s true, and i’m never ashamed to admit it.

a while ago, when this blog first started out, i talked about some very low points in my life. between the time i was 18 to 20 years old. my darling misty, was dog-napped, badly abused, and had died. i could not, and would not, come to terms with her death, and spent days just crying and asking “why?”.

then my family started having its own problems, which left me hurt, sad, and above all, angry. furious. i would go to work then come home, and we’d all be arguing, and i’d cry almost everyday. i was so, so angry with so many things. angry that my family was fighting, angry that we couldn’t stop fighting, and angry with myself for losing my dog.

the devil was living in me and nothing, absolutely nothing could take away the pain.

after my dog died in march 2001, i started watching sad dramas, just so i could have another outlet to let myself cry. for the first time in my life, i watched a japanese drama, and one of it was called “beautiful life”. i almost died watching it… you might think that’s an exaggeration but it’s not. i cried like mad, and i couldn’t stop, and if people could die from over-crying, i would have.

takuya kimura, member of smap, was the leading actor in that drama. it wasn’t a love at first sight thing… but maybe because my dog had died, and because there was death in the drama, i felt such a connection, because i could feel the pain that the actors felt, and that pain was real, because it was in me.

well i found out he was a member of a group, and bought their latest concert dvd to have a look. i couldn’t understand a word they said, and i knew none of their songs, but i was hooked. hooked because for the first time in months, i could smile and for the first time in months, my mind was free from all the shit that had been going around in my life.

smap became my drug.

those 2 years of my life were the worst times i had ever experienced, and many times i did feel like dying because i just had nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to.

i love my family so much, but things happened the way they did and we were arguing nonstop. i think we managed to somehow hurt each other as much as we did, only because we loved each other that much. and it was painful. the only things that kept me going were shadow, my other dog, and smap. i remember hugging shadow with tears streaming down my cheeks, and saying sorry. and i remember crying myself to sleep at night, with earphones on listening to my favorite smap song.

i bought a million things of theirs’. albums, concert dvds, tv shows, anything i could get my hands on, anything i could afford. i grew to love their tv shows and their pranks and antics. i couldn’t figure out what they were saying, but just watching was enough to make me laugh. and at that point in my life, they were the only ones who could put a smile on my face.

my sister, who was going through the same shit i was, got hooked as well.

everytime we had an argument at home, we’d go to the tv room, pop in one of their dvds, and with all our swollen red faces and tear-stained cheeks, we’d laugh.

smap became my escape from the hell that i was in. a haven i could go to when i wanted to forget. they were my angels when i felt like i wanted to die.

so i fed my addiction in anyway i could. my sister and i would fly all the way to japan to watch their concerts, and trust me that ain’t cheap. but we figured, what’s the point of saving all that money when it’s not gonna make you happy? they aren’t that good at dancing, and they’re probably worse in singing, but none of that mattered because they are such great entertainers.

we spent every last cent on smap, laughing and enjoying ourselves through every minute of their concerts, carving those memories in our minds. because when we came away from tokyo and went back into the real world, when we felt down again and thought that it was pointless to go on, we’d remember how we laughed and had fun in japan, and we’d push ourselves to carry on. because of smap, we had a tomorrow.

while i was still in school, plans to go to new york to study came to nothing, and i gave up that idea to work and gain some experiences. at the height of all my problems at home, i had been working for two years after junior college (high school). i was tired, and drained, and i needed to just go away. i told myself that i couldn’t take it anymore, and that if i didn’t go away, i really might die, one day if i ever had that “courage” to try and take my own life.

so i packed up my bags and left for japan.

because it was where smap was. because they was my heaven.

but it was tough at first. i had no friends there, and i had never lived alone before. i was lonely, and i still had a huge hole in my heart that only time could heal. but everytime i felt down, everytime i shed a tear, i could turn on the television, and on one of those channels, smap would be on television, and i could forget everything again.

i spent almost 4 years of my life there, doing what i had always dreamed of doing. i mastered a new language, which i never though was possible. i made a whole horde of foreign friends, which people told me was impossible. i learned how to use a sewing machine, i learned how to make my own clothes, i learned how to use the washing machine, i learned how to cook my own dinner, i learned how to wash the plates, i learned how to do housework.

but most importantly, i learned to love myself.

it’s been 6 years now, since i’ve become a fan. and it’s a love that will never fade away or die.

it might sound corny, but many things in life, i owe to smap. my life even.

leaving tokyo was really hard for me. i ‘d left everything i had here in singapore, and went to tokyo to start anew. and i never thought i would be leaving tokyo, let alone come back.

it’s been 46 days now, since i said goodbye. to my friends, to my home there, and to smap.

i cried so hard on the plane i had allergies.

ever since i got back, i’ve been keeping myself busy. with hockey, with various errands, with both my english and japanese blogs, with anything that can keep me busy. because the moment i stop doing something, my mind wonders back to how much i miss japan and how much i miss smap, and how lost i feel without them.

on the plane back from melbourne, smap’s album from last year, pop up smap, was playing on the plane’s audio system (we took singapore airlines). i listened to it the whole 7-hour ride. i was so happy, i was almost delirious. i was smiling and singing along and almost dancing in my seat.

i love smap. i really do. i’ve watched so many of their tv shows, enough to know that although they all have a “media” face, they are the sweetest, most wonderful boys inside. (most japanese variety shows force their stars to portray their true selves) i miss them, and i hate being so far away, and although i’m looking forward to a new life in new york, i hate that that’s even further.

but thank you god, for letting me find smap.
because when things inside me are all torn apart,
they were, and still are, my solace.

ps: and thank you gala, for your recent post, that reminded me of how important smap was to me, and how, through them, i learned to how laugh again.

that’s a question that i haven’t asked in a long time. i do sigh and think about things sometimes, and in the quiet of my room, i occasionally have conversations with god. but it’s been long time since i actually wondered, “where are you, god?”

i mean, i’ve believed since forever. i was brought up with jesus in my life. and no, i can’t deny that i’m a lazy christian. i don’t give offerings all the time, and i swear and all… but i do repent, and i do believe, and i always thought that was all that mattered.

i’d always had, more-or-less, a smooth-sailing life, until i was 18. it’s been 6 long years now, but the memories are still alive, and the wound in my heart is still raw and fresh.

one of my dogs were dog-napped. i searched for her everyday for hours, putting up signs and calling every shelter or vet i knew. a week after she disappeared, some vet called. apparently, someone claimed they saw
misty getting knocked by a taxi, and had dropped her off at the vet’s. but it was in a place so far from our house. and my baby was so badly injured. her pelvic bone and one of her hind legs had broken, and the internal bleeding was so bad, her entire body had turned purple. the doctor said it didn’t look at all
like a car had knocked her, cos there weren’t any external injuries at all, not a scratch. rather, she might have been abused. the same doctor then told me she’d be ok.

luckily i had the sense to take her somewhere else, where the vet took one look and immediately hospitalised her. she couldn’t stand, let alone walk. and she was in such pain, she couldn’t eat. we would send her in for drips each day, and bring her home at night.

for the first time i had to buy a dog muzzle. misty had never bitten me before, but just moving her slightly was painful, and she would snap. there were times when i changed her bedding, that i wouldn’t put on the muzzle, and just let her bite me instead, so that i could also feel her pain.

i cried so much that week. each time i looked at her, each time i saw her wince. i would hold her for hours, saying ‘misty, i’m so sorry’. countless times, i knelt and put my head to the ground and i begged god to please heal her

please heal misty, please heal my baby.

shadow (misty’s sister of the same litter), would sit in the corner of the room, and cry too.

i really begged god back then. but i never once thought that misty would die. i just believed. i even took misty to church and everyone prayed for her. and i knew god would not let her go like that, not suffering, not dying in pain.

there were these songs, that i would sing out to god, basically asking him for help.

‘heal me o lord, and i will be healed.
save me, and i will be saved.
heal me o lord. and i will be healed.
for you are the one, i pray, you are the one i pray.’

‘god will make a way, where there seems to be no way.
he works in ways we cannot see, he will make a way for me.
he will be my guide, hold me closely to his side.
with love and strength for each new day,
he will make a way, he will make a way.’

all my life i had believed, that when you ask, it shall be given, and if you prayed, that the doors will be opened to you.

a week after misty came back home, she died.

i think up until her death, i refused to believe the possibility, that she might die, even though the vet told us to be prepared. the toxins in her body from the fractures and bruises, were too much for her poor liver and kidneys to bear, and her internal organs had failed her.

i couldn’t stop crying. not for over a year.

i hated myself for not bringing her for more walks. i hated myself for not loving her more. i hated myself for not being able to do anything to ease the pain. i hated myself for believing, that she might survive, and that belief made me ignore the option of putting her to sleep, the option of letting her go. i hated myself for believing in god, that he will heal her, and give her back to me.

and in the end my faith was in vain.

the next few years of my life was hell.

there were many reasons that i can’t type here, but my family had a lot of arguments, and day and night we were all shouting and screaming at one another. i was so angry and hurt, and each day i cried out to god, begging him to stop all the pain.

but the quarrels went on. for 3 years, my prayers, my whole family’s prayers, went unheard. there was so much hurt and anger at home. i love my family, i love my parents, i love my sister, and i love my brother, and i would do anything for them, and they for me.

but things happened the way they did, and we just couldn’t stop getting into screaming fights. my uncle and the business had a lot to do with it, and it was all his fault, and everyday i wished he would die.

i left home for japan at 20.

although i have to admit that a large part of the reason for my coming to japan was because of smap, the bigger part of it was that i just had to get away from home.

when i first got here, i couldn’t speak the language, and i had no friends. i can’t explain to you the loneliness. it was my first time living overseas, and my first time living alone. that hit me really hard, but i guess being alone at that point of my life, was a lot better than having to deal with the pain at home.

many years have passed since then, and i have in some ways reconciled with god. i still ask him why, and i still don’t know why, but somewhere deep inside of me, i still do believe.

the email from parsons had really shocked me. i think the shock was so bad, i went past the crying stage,
straight into ‘numb’. i had been tense all day, and because of all my asthma and breathing problems, i’ve been feeling breathless too. i think writing about misty, was almost a good thing. for more than a year now, i had been trying to block that memory away. but thinking about misty today, has released a whole lot of pent-up tension and emotions, and i needed to really cry.

the whole day, i just stared at the tv, and tried to sleep most of it away. i watched smap’s concert on dvd. ever since misty had died, and my family went into war or something, they have been the ones to always make me laugh, and always lift my spirits.

so i did just that, i watched some smap.

i was supposed to go to my friend’s party, but i told her about the email and said i’m sorry i’m just not interested in going to a party and mingling with new people, and pretending to be happy when i’m not.

she told me to take it easy, then she said that it was actually going to be a surprise party for me, and she had even ordered a cake.

i guess a huge part of me felt really guilty. i was thankful, really, but i just couldn’t go.

so here i am at 24, sitting alone in the dark. it’s been a bad week, and not a very happy birthday, in fact, it might not be a very happy year.

but you know, i’ve been through worse times. i can handle this.

i’ll stand up again on my own two feet. i can do that on my own.

but, dear god, you’ve been silent in my life, the last 6 years. and each time i reached out for you, you weren’t there.

i need to know if you are still there. i need to know if i can still count on you, i need to know if i can still believe.

because trying, and giving my best shot, didn’t make it for for me this time.

and if believing would only make me fall harder, then i think my flicker of hope might just blow out.

here’s a picture of shadow. isn’t she precious?
the photo was taken 2 years ago, when she was 11.

and these pictures are of misty. my princess who mirrored me in temper, bite, and many other traits. i miss you girl.