you know, i’ve never done things the way i “should”. the way society tells me to, the way my friends do, the way it’s expected. i act differently, dress differently, design differently…

unfortunately, because of that, i’ve met with obstacles along the way. my parents were one of my biggest obstacles, because they couldn’t understand how i could give up my childhood dream of being a vet and become a god-forbidden fashion designer-slash-seamstress. fortunately, they came around and i’m lucky enough that they are now one of my biggest supporters.

and then comes the insignificant-but-yet-always-there-to-annoy-me teachers. oh, i could go on and on about them. i’ve had teachers from 3 different countries, and the best of them are those who might not share your aesthetic and views, but they support it anyway. if they think you are weird, then they are gonna make you be the weirdest you can be. if your designs are ridiculous to them, then you better become the most ridiculous one out there. they are supportive in that way, strange as it sounds.

but then there are the teachers who just bring you down and tell you to stop what you’re doing because you’ll never succeed. teachers who take just 3 minutes to give you a critique when they spend 15 minutes on someone else, because they honestly don’t know what to say to you. teachers who suck the life out of you and leave you in despair.

worst still are institutions who think of themselves as a business and a dictatorship before they remember that they are there to educate their students. institutions who try to put you in a box and force you to be who they want you to be, instead of who you are and who you can become.

my 2 years in parsons have aged me. yes, i’m 26 years old now. but i’ve never felt my age nor thought about how old i am as compared to my fellow classmates. but when i’m in school, i feel like an angry, frustrated little old bitch. on some days, everyone’s on a short fuse. we’re agitated, tired, we look like shit, our skin is bad, our eyes are bloodshot, and we’re just irritable from not sleeping.

i’ve never been in such a bad-temper.

i can’t say i enjoy it. in fact, i absolutely hate it. it’s a mental struggle and sheer willpower to stay alive. if i’d known what a hellhole my life here would be, before i’d moved to new york, i don’t think i would have come. but alas, i’ve invested too much of my parents’ money to come here, and no matter how much i hate the school, i just have to grit my teeth and finish it for their sakes. i can’t quit, because i’m not a quitter.

but if i have to go through one more year of this shithole, i’m definitely not going to succumb to pressures, and give up my opinions just to get a better grade or to win some competition.

i see that happen all the time – people remove their own personalities from their designs just to win a competition. they adjust themselves so that the teachers will pick them for something. we have a saying in school that’s called the “parsons look”. the clean-cut, simple, ready-to-wear look that parsons is well-known for, and in my vocabulary, it means boring clothes that have no point-of-view.

people talk about this “parsons look” – “oh, you know that’s never gonna get picked because it doesn’t represent the school”, or “she won the competition because she referenced past winners and did her project the way the school likes it”.

it pisses me off.

where the fuck is your backbone? where is your personality? is this the way your parents brought you up? did they never teach you to have your own voice? did they never instill in you strength and character and integrity?

i despise people like that. d-e-s-p-i-s-e. stand up for yourself, for fuck sake.

it’s different if you are working for someone else and you need that paycheck. yes, you can’t always be the designer you want to be. you can’t always be wild and flamboyant, or avant garde or couture. but, i firmly believe that even if you were working for someone and had to adjust your aesthetics to suit the company’s looks, there are always ways in which you can inject your own personality into your designs. in fact, i think when designers of different aesthetics come together, you can work together to create the best product that blends the best of different voices.

but until then, you are your own designer, you are your own voice. if i edited myself and edited my collections so that i could have the “parsons look” that this school wants, then i could never sign my name at the bottom of those sketches, and i could never put that in my portfolio. because it just isn’t representative of who i am. and i would be ashamed of it.

yes you’re right, this post is almost like a rant. maybe it is. but this message goes out to all of you who are in the creative world – be who you are and never be embarrassed about it. do not ever let anyone shove a cookie-cutter in your face!

i just had to say this, perhaps as a reminder to myself. i’ve been really tired and lacking of sleep recently because of the sheer amount of things that we’ve had to do in school. (by the way, when i tell people that i’m tired, they scoff and make it a competition of who has more things to do. only my friends in the fashion department at parsons can understand this. we have 30 hours of class a week, for just 19 credits, and our work never ends in class. we take it home and work day and night for our craft. i’ve had arguments with people who tell me fashion is frivolous and “it’s so easy because all you do is draw”. arseholes.)

yesterday marked the due-date of a project that we had been working on all semester. as juniors, we were assigned to do a mini-thesis at the beginning of the semester. it consists of 3 looks of at least 6 garments, that we had to design, drape, pattern-make, create a sample. and then sew the final product for. sounds easy and it all fit into one sentence, but it was quite a lot of work to complete within 5 months. we have two 6-hour sewing classes a week, and of course all our own free time to finish everything.

and because the school is stupid, they never provided any details for us till just weeks ago, so we never knew how the judging process would be, how the show would be, and in fact, till this day we still don’t know how many people will actually get into the show. but anyway, a jury came into our class consisting of like, 10-15 teachers, who gave us points according to our design and how well it was sewn.

i was proud of what i did, but i was upset with myself because i did not finish my dress the way i wanted to. i’d run out of time, and in my head it just wasn’t complete. of course, i’d stayed up all night the night before to try and complete it, but at noon, i fell asleep and woke up at 2:30pm, just enough time to rush to school by 3pm. but i had lost 2 and a half precious hours that i could have finished my project with. oh well. it was too late to regret.

after the jury came and went, my teacher, who’s great by the way, came over and told me something that made me real sad. she’d loved what i did, and gave me tips along the way to achieve the look i wanted. but she said, “a few teachers thought your designs, especially the second look, was too conceptual.”

in other words, it wasn’t representative of the school’s look. i guess.

you know, i’ve gone over this a million times in my head and each time i think about it, it just frustrates me. runway shows are supposed to create an atmosphere. it’s supposed to be inspiring, like what john galliano does with his shows. he creates a look, but it doesn’t mean you’ll find it in the stores later, because he’ll also create a toned-down wearable version of the initial over-the-top design.

so i’ve accepted the fact that i’ve come to parsons to receive an education, all these thousands of kilometers away from home, only to find that although i have supportive teachers who offer advice and constructive criticisms, i also attend a school with a stupid president and a policy that students who don’t fit into the mold will basically, just not be acknowledged.

i’m not gonna lie: it’s discouraging sometimes. but i’m not gonna back down and i’m not going to be embarrassed about who i am.

i am gilda. i am a fashion designer. and i have my own voice. it’s my life, and it’s my designs. i’m gonna do it my way.

this was my collection. i still have finishing touches to do, but it was my take on a military theme, based on epaulets. a little different from how most people who do a military collection, but you might be able to see hints of it. the collection was a mix of a very sponge-y neoprene, and bamboo cotton jersey and bamboo satin. i wanted to blend organic fabrics with some plastic neoprene! it was harder than i expected to sew, but i love neoprene and will use it forever.

sadie, trying on my dress for me. if i may say so myself, i do love it. heh heh heh.

darling michael took one look at my ziggy cape and wanted to put it on immediately. yes, this is the look that was too conceptual. at least one person liked it! yay!

so well, there you have it. my little 3-look collection, christianed “ziggy” by kesiana, a friend in class. all comments and constructive criticisms welcomed!

and i leave you, fellow creative person, with this – if you are a designer, a writer, a blogger, a gardener, a painter, a daydreamer – never be afraid of who you are.

it’s your life. do it your way!

more for nosey parkers:
+ discover your passion and find a purpose
+ what i love about me

this week’s what i love about me, ties in with my recent post, “coming out of the closet“. i talked about the story of josh, and how we should all take little steps to achieving our dreams, because even little birds don’t fly at first try.

and writing that reminded me of one thing that i did love about myself. i am very very stubborn (in both good and bad ways). a good interpretation of it is that i am very determined and when i want something, i work my ass off to get it.

if i put my mind to it, i can achieve just about anything! ★

(yes, that photo was taken on a particularly hot and sweaty day. and since you can see some of my side profile, you’ll know that i do have the biggest, round head, as evil commenter #3 said! hahaha! whatever!!)

well one thing for sure, no matter how hard i try, i ain’t gonna get that head smaller. no one can diet on skulls and i’m happy with the quality of my brain in it, thank you very much!

enough about me and funny comments, here is one that i received on “coming out of the closet“.

casey-scott is so nice and cute, and he left such a great comment for me, i wanted to share it with everyone.

what i do love is that i was able to realise that the only person who truly matters, and who i truly have to do proud is myself. what other people think about us is really none of our business. accepting that, and realising that – in a non-narcissistic or self-absorbed way – i’m the most important person that i have to please, was such a release for me. i love that feeling of just pure comfortability (is that a word? ha!), and the way that happiness just feels so much more … pure, if that makes any sense?

and, you know what? i think the thing that i’ve found is that, in accepting who i was and allowing myself to navigate my own life, i’ve gained respect for it. “coming out of the closet”, whether it is about our sexuality or – like you raised – our dreams, is a huge step of courage; but it’s an amazingly liberating step at the same time.

life is good, and that’s worth celebrating.

don’t you think it’s great, how he put that in words? it’s something i always wanted to say but could never find the words to say it right. happiness really does feel “pure”, when you’re comfortable with yourself and who you are. and everyday becomes a celebration and every moment is worthy of a smile.

and as i’m typing this, i’m watching legally blonde 2 on tv, and smiling at how elle tells everyone to do her snap cup. wouldn’t it be great if we could all make one for ourselves and our friends, to highlight our achievements and give ourselves every little reason to feel proud of ourselves?

“gather around friends and foes together united and bound, pass it to your neighbor instead of blowing up, and we’ll find harmony and love in the snap cup!“

so snaps to you, casey-scott! you’re my hero today!

i tried to be very honest about myself when i first wrote “what i love about me“. it was a hard entry to write that took me a few days to complete. i wanted to start a little personal project. not really to “find” myself, but to tell myself, “girl, don’t let nobody tell you you can’t do anything. work it. be fierce.”

it’s a similar concept to keeping a style diary of your outfits and special get-ups. the more you see for yourself how you look in what you’re wearing (mirrors sometimes tell a lie), you’ll learn what works for you and what doesn’t. so by keeping a little archive of what i loved about myself, i figured i could always come back and look at it when i was feeling particularly shitty. because let’s be honest now, we all have days like that!

and i know reading “feel-goods” about other people somehow rubs off. so we should all rub off each other and feel groovy together. heh heh!

in all honesty and i’m so not going to lie, if you’ve been following my blog a little, you’ll know that i had such a fantastic week. i had a great weekend that i spent not only with gala and nubby, i also had the chance to meet loulou who is so darn cute!! and better yet, i am just loving my job more and more. as you know, i’m interning at patricia field and everyone there is just the nicest of people on this planet. i don’t think i’m the best worker (i do have my off days) but i really try hard and i’m just so happy doing work there, i’m taking whatever they’re giving me!

on the social level, they crack me up big time. everyone’s so cute, even though we’re not exactly best friends or anything, sometimes they make me laugh so much i want to pinch their cheeks and hug them, we had two parties in the last week. one was for independence day where we had a barbecue at pat’s house. the other party was on wednesday. it was one of my bosses’ birthday and we had it in the middle of the hudson river! (more pictures to come, once i figure out which ones i wanna put up! haha!)

so really, i am having such a good time.

meeting up with nubby and also having met gala on numerous occasions since she’s been in new york, we’ve had the chance to sort of discuss a little about our goals and dreams in life. i loved that. although i’m not that close to them, it felt good knowing people who were chasing their dreams – just as i am.

in a strange coincidence, i was randomly looking at my blog stats, which i hardly ever do, and i was getting some hits from one of gala’s old posts. it was from a comment i made, and when i read it, i had to smile to myself a little. i had said:

i’m really glad i found this blog because although we’re different in so many ways, i feel we’re so similar in many others.

gala and i are rather different on the personality level. but i think it’s great how we both work hard to make our dreams come true. so bravo to you, dear gala. and yay to me too. because i know how hard i had to work to get to where i am today. it was a very very long and winding road and although there is still so much more that i have yet to learn or experience, recently, i feel like i really have one foot in the door

what about you? what do you love about yourself? don’t be shy! pretend you’re a snooty little princess or a nose-in-the-air prince, and let me hear all about it. haha! or if you would take a picture of yourself too, i definitely want to see!!

have you ever read the headlines of a magazine or online site that said “how to achieve a flawless face in 5 minutes”, or “learn how to cover those zits like an expert”?

have you, like i have, exclaimed, “ooh yes i need to know how!” then flipped the pages in glee, only to be greeted by a model, printed on glossy pages, staring right back at you, with a face that is already flawless? she either already has perfect skin or has been perfectly doctored by photoshop. and oh let’s not forget the pro cameraman and award-winning make up artist who did the shoot. basically, the model with her perfect skin, can always do a 5-minute face because all she really needs is lip gloss. and the apparent “zit” that they show you how to cover, never looks like it even existed anyway.

then there are magazines and blogs that tell you to be fabulous. and yes, we all do want to be fabulous! i know i do. and don’t lie! you do too! you want to be fabulous and fierce. even fiercer than all the drag queens out there put together.

but is it just me, or is 99.99999999% of those “always so positive” magazines and fashion blogs out there, owned and run by people who 1) have great skin, 2) have pretty eyes, 3) are skinny, and 4) have already been blessed with all of the above and more?

damn right they’d better be fabulous. if god has blessed them with all that, and they still look and behave like crap, then what do the rest of us have to look forward to?

i’m an average asian girl. i’m short, like 160cm or just about 5 feet 3. and i’m stubby. always ways, always will be, and honestly, getting pudgier by the day. i was 3800g at birth. i’ve never had a baby before but i’m told that that’s a fat-ass baby to be carrying around (sorry mom). i used to be fit and ate whatever i wanted when i played competitive sports. then i stopped playing and continued eating and gained only about 10kg (20 lbs??).

i can’t do anything about my height. i mean, sure i’ve always wanted to be supermodel-tall, but i’m not about to try one of those crazy bone-breaking, height-growing operations. and my weight, yeah it’s my own fault i grew sideways instead of up, and i recently started exercising again.

but what about other things that i can’t change? skin, for example. i’ve talked about my skin problems a few times before. i don’t think about it all the time now. but i used to have pretty clear skin, and then boom! one day right after senior prom (phew! at least god gave me till prom, ok??) the major acne devil decided that i was to be his next victim. i’m not even kidding. it was really, really bad. i got my make-up for prom done at this quack place, and i remember thinking that those make-up brushes looked really dirty and dodgy. i broke out bad the next day, but i thought maybe it was some weird hormonal thing. but the break outs never stopped from then on, and for a year i had full-blown acne.

i make it sound like full-blown aids and although it wasn’t life-threatening, i certainly felt like dying. it took away a lot of my confidence. those 2 years of my life were my darkest and saddest. i was going through a rough patch where really, nothing was going right at all. my family was breaking apart (and i can’t go into that at the moment because it’ll just make me cry). one of my dogs, misty had died and i missed her terribly and blamed myself for her death. and then there was acne.

it wasn’t a bad day where i could just stay in bed and go to sleep, and tomorrow would be a better day, no. my tomorrows were just as bad, and the days after that were even worse. there were days after days when my entire family would just be arguing and having the biggest fight, and i’d be crying my head off. and i’d go to my room and see myself in the mirror, and cry even more.

i didn’t recognise who it was, staring back at me. “this isn’t me,” i thought. i never used to cry like this. i was always happy. i had the ability to find ways to make myself happy, to laugh, to make other people laugh, and i had the loudest laugh of all. i never used to cry over anything. it wasn’t just an emotional and mental stranger looking back at me in the mirror. physically, i didn’t recognise myself either. my entire face was filled with bright red bumps. i got so angry with this stranger, i remember taking some scissors one day, and i scratched into my closet, right next to my mirror, the words “i hate you.”

“you”, were many things. it was life, it was god, it was the acne, it was the problems plaguing my family, it was the tears, it was the anguish, it was the anger, pain, and hurt.

and it was me.

i had so many highs in my life before all that happened. i thought i was the luckiest girl because my family had always been really close. and family to me, is really the most important thing. my parents loved me, and although i never said it (i’m too proud), i loved them all dearly. i was doing well at school, and i might be blowing my own trumpet but because i’m so funny and contagious (AHAHAHA whatever), i was quite popular enough. i was the class chairman a few times, class monitor, and also captain of my school and club’s hockey team. and can i just mention that i captained the school team to win the national gold medal after a 16-year drought?? we were the less experienced underdogs who played in the finals with a team that was filled with national players. no one expected us to win, and we even lost to that same team in the preliminary rounds. but we fought hard, and trained harder than anyone we knew. and most of all, we believed in ourselves, and we believed in each other. we had utter faith. and we won 2-0.

it was my proudest moment. and it still is. we worked so hard for it. and i was so proud.

everything fell downhill after that. and it took a long, long time for me to get back on my feet again. it was a high mountain to climb. there were times when i really wanted to die, and i think if i wasn’t such a chicken, i might have already killed myself by now. but yet, part of me didn’t want to die. there were so many more things in life i wanted to experience. there were so much better things i knew i was destined for, if only i could somehow get through all the pain. maybe if i really did kill myself, i would have really been a chicken. if i had died, i would have taken the easy way out.

in a way, maybe hockey trained me and toughened me up more than i ever realized. it was a slow and painful recovery, but slowly and surely, my old self returned. i was able to laugh again, and to make people laugh again. the emotional scars in my heart from my family problems formed some serious scar tissue, but i know that we do love each other and perhaps that was all that mattered. the scars on my face, well, i still see them. but i have learnt to live with them, red and bumpy and all.

well, i figured, when i laugh i make weird faces and throw my head back anyway, so who’s gonna be able to see those scars, right?

i try to be positive about everything. about feeling good about myself. that was one of my reasons for starting freebird. for a lot of us, yours truly included, our blogs are a venue for thought and emotions. they are our voices. for me, it is also a place where i can review and reflect on things that are happening in my life.

our lives aren’t happy everyday. i mean, it’s hard to be positive all the time. don’t you agree? we all have our off days. we all have days where nothing seems to be going right. when we wanna just bitch at it and sulk and hope that someone will cheer us up. there are a lot of positivity blogs out there. blogs that scream “you can do it!!” blah blah blah. and yes, that chirpy “i beh-leeve in mah-self!” part of me is alive and kicking strongly most days. and i do believe in myself. very much. but i also want to keep freebird real.

because i live in the real world, not in some fantasy land, although i’d like to think i do. although i’ve come to terms with myself and have grown to love myself just the way i am, i can’t help but feel shitty when i wake up in the mornings and wash my face, and see those bumps again. yes, ladies and gentlemen, the acne is slowly but surely, creeping back after a 5 year hiatus.

to be 100% honest, i’m really starting to panic about it. i’m not a teenager anymore. i don’t want pimply teenage skin. it’s upsetting. it doesn’t cross my mind at all during the day, when i’m at work doing what i love. but in between all that, there are brief moments when i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and i sigh.

so what’s the purpose of this post? i’m just trying to tell my story. i’m telling it to you. and i’m telling it to me. i’m telling myself that i’ve been through this crap before and i got out of it. i’m telling myself that there might be things that i hate about myself, but there are plenty more things about myself that i love.

this is a personal project for me. something i thought i would start, after getting a idea about it after flipping through a marie claire magazine that had a section called “what i love about me“. which i thought was a great idea, but i wanted to tweak it a little. it was all things that people loved about themselves, but most were surface or aesthetic views. while that was great too, i wanted my own project to include something more. something on a deeper level.

and while i wanted to write about it, i also wanted to take a picture of myself making that statement. because by putting it down in writing, and also taking a shot of myself with that statement, i feel it gives me a much stronger visual memory about what i do love about myself.

once a week on the weekend, or whenever i am feeling shitty, i am going to write a new statement about myself that i love. and then i want to look back at all these statements and remind myself, that i don’t have to be upset. i simply don’t have to. because there are things about me that i am very proud of.

what about you? i know you must have days when you’re not feeling particularly great either. what are the things you love about yourself? would you make a statement too, and take a picture of yourself making that statement? i honestly think this is going to work. and i’m going to continue with this. maybe we can all do this together.

more for nosey parkers:
the happiness project
personal development with the positivity blog