queengilda.com

like a comet
blazing ‘cross the evening sky
gone too soon

like a rainbow
fading in the twinkling of an eye
gone too soon

shiny and sparkly
and splendidly bright
here one day
gone one night

like the loss of sunlight
on a cloudy afternoon
gone too soon

like a castle
built upon a sandy beach
gone too soon

like a perfect flower
that is just beyond your reach
gone too soon

born to amuse
to inspire to delight
here one day
gone one night

like a sunset
dying with the rising of the moon
gone too soon
gone too soon

michael jackson was a big part of my childhood. i remember my dad playing his ‘thriller’ record. i remember watching michael’s movies and trying to dance like him. i remember my brother imitating michael’s dressing from when he was like, 5. i remember this picture of my baby brother, a huge smile on his face, one hand pointing towards the sky, with a hat on his head, dancing to michael’s song. we must have watched his movie a million times. i must have watched the dance scene in “jam” 4 million times, and his interview with oprah even more.

he was a hero in my heart and i loved everything about him. i cried when i watched that movie/documentary about his life and how he wanted to just be a child. when i graduated from primary/elementary school, i got my entire class to perform “beat it” during our graduation ceremony. i cried when i saw him in concert when i was about 13 or 14. it was amazing listening to him sing, watching him move. i was in awe.

michael must have affected us in so many ways. i’m no singer, and i’m no dancer. but i remember wishing i could dance like him. who didn’t?

years later, here i am loving military uniforms. i’ve loved military uniforms for as long as i remember. my last collection for school, i based the entire collection on epaulets. was i influenced by michael as a 7 year old kid? i think so. he was my icon. he was the pioneer. he was the king. look at what he wore, 10, 15, 20 years ago. look at what designers are putting on the runways now. balmain, balenciaga, who else? even if you hated his music, we were all affected in some way, you in those gladiator sandals, in those jackets with accented shoulders.

thank you michael, for some of my best childhood memories. you are a legend, my legend, gone too soon.

you know, i’ve never done things the way i “should”. the way society tells me to, the way my friends do, the way it’s expected. i act differently, dress differently, design differently…

unfortunately, because of that, i’ve met with obstacles along the way. my parents were one of my biggest obstacles, because they couldn’t understand how i could give up my childhood dream of being a vet and become a god-forbidden fashion designer-slash-seamstress. fortunately, they came around and i’m lucky enough that they are now one of my biggest supporters.

and then comes the insignificant-but-yet-always-there-to-annoy-me teachers. oh, i could go on and on about them. i’ve had teachers from 3 different countries, and the best of them are those who might not share your aesthetic and views, but they support it anyway. if they think you are weird, then they are gonna make you be the weirdest you can be. if your designs are ridiculous to them, then you better become the most ridiculous one out there. they are supportive in that way, strange as it sounds.

but then there are the teachers who just bring you down and tell you to stop what you’re doing because you’ll never succeed. teachers who take just 3 minutes to give you a critique when they spend 15 minutes on someone else, because they honestly don’t know what to say to you. teachers who suck the life out of you and leave you in despair.

worst still are institutions who think of themselves as a business and a dictatorship before they remember that they are there to educate their students. institutions who try to put you in a box and force you to be who they want you to be, instead of who you are and who you can become.

my 2 years in parsons have aged me. yes, i’m 26 years old now. but i’ve never felt my age nor thought about how old i am as compared to my fellow classmates. but when i’m in school, i feel like an angry, frustrated little old bitch. on some days, everyone’s on a short fuse. we’re agitated, tired, we look like shit, our skin is bad, our eyes are bloodshot, and we’re just irritable from not sleeping.

i’ve never been in such a bad-temper.

i can’t say i enjoy it. in fact, i absolutely hate it. it’s a mental struggle and sheer willpower to stay alive. if i’d known what a hellhole my life here would be, before i’d moved to new york, i don’t think i would have come. but alas, i’ve invested too much of my parents’ money to come here, and no matter how much i hate the school, i just have to grit my teeth and finish it for their sakes. i can’t quit, because i’m not a quitter.

but if i have to go through one more year of this shithole, i’m definitely not going to succumb to pressures, and give up my opinions just to get a better grade or to win some competition.

i see that happen all the time – people remove their own personalities from their designs just to win a competition. they adjust themselves so that the teachers will pick them for something. we have a saying in school that’s called the “parsons look”. the clean-cut, simple, ready-to-wear look that parsons is well-known for, and in my vocabulary, it means boring clothes that have no point-of-view.

people talk about this “parsons look” – “oh, you know that’s never gonna get picked because it doesn’t represent the school”, or “she won the competition because she referenced past winners and did her project the way the school likes it”.

it pisses me off.

where the fuck is your backbone? where is your personality? is this the way your parents brought you up? did they never teach you to have your own voice? did they never instill in you strength and character and integrity?

i despise people like that. d-e-s-p-i-s-e. stand up for yourself, for fuck sake.

it’s different if you are working for someone else and you need that paycheck. yes, you can’t always be the designer you want to be. you can’t always be wild and flamboyant, or avant garde or couture. but, i firmly believe that even if you were working for someone and had to adjust your aesthetics to suit the company’s looks, there are always ways in which you can inject your own personality into your designs. in fact, i think when designers of different aesthetics come together, you can work together to create the best product that blends the best of different voices.

but until then, you are your own designer, you are your own voice. if i edited myself and edited my collections so that i could have the “parsons look” that this school wants, then i could never sign my name at the bottom of those sketches, and i could never put that in my portfolio. because it just isn’t representative of who i am. and i would be ashamed of it.

yes you’re right, this post is almost like a rant. maybe it is. but this message goes out to all of you who are in the creative world – be who you are and never be embarrassed about it. do not ever let anyone shove a cookie-cutter in your face!

i just had to say this, perhaps as a reminder to myself. i’ve been really tired and lacking of sleep recently because of the sheer amount of things that we’ve had to do in school. (by the way, when i tell people that i’m tired, they scoff and make it a competition of who has more things to do. only my friends in the fashion department at parsons can understand this. we have 30 hours of class a week, for just 19 credits, and our work never ends in class. we take it home and work day and night for our craft. i’ve had arguments with people who tell me fashion is frivolous and “it’s so easy because all you do is draw”. arseholes.)

yesterday marked the due-date of a project that we had been working on all semester. as juniors, we were assigned to do a mini-thesis at the beginning of the semester. it consists of 3 looks of at least 6 garments, that we had to design, drape, pattern-make, create a sample. and then sew the final product for. sounds easy and it all fit into one sentence, but it was quite a lot of work to complete within 5 months. we have two 6-hour sewing classes a week, and of course all our own free time to finish everything.

and because the school is stupid, they never provided any details for us till just weeks ago, so we never knew how the judging process would be, how the show would be, and in fact, till this day we still don’t know how many people will actually get into the show. but anyway, a jury came into our class consisting of like, 10-15 teachers, who gave us points according to our design and how well it was sewn.

i was proud of what i did, but i was upset with myself because i did not finish my dress the way i wanted to. i’d run out of time, and in my head it just wasn’t complete. of course, i’d stayed up all night the night before to try and complete it, but at noon, i fell asleep and woke up at 2:30pm, just enough time to rush to school by 3pm. but i had lost 2 and a half precious hours that i could have finished my project with. oh well. it was too late to regret.

after the jury came and went, my teacher, who’s great by the way, came over and told me something that made me real sad. she’d loved what i did, and gave me tips along the way to achieve the look i wanted. but she said, “a few teachers thought your designs, especially the second look, was too conceptual.”

in other words, it wasn’t representative of the school’s look. i guess.

you know, i’ve gone over this a million times in my head and each time i think about it, it just frustrates me. runway shows are supposed to create an atmosphere. it’s supposed to be inspiring, like what john galliano does with his shows. he creates a look, but it doesn’t mean you’ll find it in the stores later, because he’ll also create a toned-down wearable version of the initial over-the-top design.

so i’ve accepted the fact that i’ve come to parsons to receive an education, all these thousands of kilometers away from home, only to find that although i have supportive teachers who offer advice and constructive criticisms, i also attend a school with a stupid president and a policy that students who don’t fit into the mold will basically, just not be acknowledged.

i’m not gonna lie: it’s discouraging sometimes. but i’m not gonna back down and i’m not going to be embarrassed about who i am.

i am gilda. i am a fashion designer. and i have my own voice. it’s my life, and it’s my designs. i’m gonna do it my way.

this was my collection. i still have finishing touches to do, but it was my take on a military theme, based on epaulets. a little different from how most people who do a military collection, but you might be able to see hints of it. the collection was a mix of a very sponge-y neoprene, and bamboo cotton jersey and bamboo satin. i wanted to blend organic fabrics with some plastic neoprene! it was harder than i expected to sew, but i love neoprene and will use it forever.

sadie, trying on my dress for me. if i may say so myself, i do love it. heh heh heh.

darling michael took one look at my ziggy cape and wanted to put it on immediately. yes, this is the look that was too conceptual. at least one person liked it! yay!

so well, there you have it. my little 3-look collection, christianed “ziggy” by kesiana, a friend in class. all comments and constructive criticisms welcomed!

and i leave you, fellow creative person, with this – if you are a designer, a writer, a blogger, a gardener, a painter, a daydreamer – never be afraid of who you are.

it’s your life. do it your way!

more for nosey parkers:
discover your passion and find a purpose
what i love about me

(tranny tits on the loose; don’t look further if you might get offended!)

on december 21st, the house of field celebrated its annual christmas dinner and i was so delighted to be included. there were over 80 people on this incredible guest list, filled with the most beautiful trannies, drag queens, new york club kids, and really the nicest and funniest people ever. everyone was so shiny and sequined and eyelined, and i think the amount of fake eyelashes used that night could make a wig.

the lovely women i worked with

omar, dai, myself and ian

although i recognized many faces, i didn’t know many of them; after all i’d only been working at the patricia field boutique once or twice a week for about 7 months, so i only knew those who came to the store regularly. but it was great to see how everyone was so close to one another. it really felt like christmas, and it didn’t even matter what age, colour, or sex you were.

the party was held in a private room at the la bottega restaurant in the maritime hotel, complete with a fireplace, christmas tree with presents, and of course, who else but trannyclaus! haha!

it was fantastic. everyone was so dressed up it was better than the oscars. i felt so pale in comparison and wished i had piled on the eyeshadow. there’s nothing like feeling less of a female when standing in between two drags. the dinner was so darn yummy, it was quite orgasmic. midway through the evening, the delightful and always smiling andre j performed a little number for us that ended with her spinning in crazy, wild circles around the room, stripping down to little white boy shorts, grabbing a candle from the table and pouring the hot wax all over her body. ooh lala.

andre j working it!

after andre j’s performance, out came tranny claus who had changed into a different little number. a very very tight one. and then in a split second, her boobs had popped out of her dress. which left me holding my stomach and laughing really hard.

in the next moment, ian’s face was pressed into her cleavage and as you can see, even dai was laughing her face off.

then the best thing of all happened.

i honestly thought i might die laughing. tom tom, the boy who had just made some lurve to trannyclaus’s boobies, is of course, gay himself. and i’m sure he isn’t at all particularly attracted to boobs. heh heh.

i felt very blessed to have had the opportunity to work with such amazing people. i miss them lots!! for more retarded photos, check out my flickr account!

i thought our fall semester was tough but obviously i didn’t know the crap i’d have to go through this semester. it’s like everyone’s coming to school with panda eyes and bad skin because we have no time to sleep. (but i’ll have to say that the people coming to school with a week’s worth of unwashed hair and eye makeup that’s down to their chins is unacceptable.)

so i thought i’d share with you guys just some of my work.

this installment we had at the library was for a men’s fashion history themes course. one of the projects we had to do was to design a menswear collection based on some historical event, linking it with some military theme. my theme was the counter-culture youths from nazi germany, and i had to link it to the russian army. and this was my little exhibit booth! it’s not very clear but what i did was after i finished drawing my figures, i transferred my sketches to some fabric and made little dolls out of it so it looks like a floating mobile. kinda cool right? i’m thinking of a way now to turn all those dolls into some kind of huge-ass necklace.

one of our other major projects that we did in sewing class was to make a jacket. it was crazy because we had so little time to do it.

you see my little illustrations at the top of the page? i wanted to make the green jacket that the girl on the right is wearing. i already have the other two outfits but this jacket was something i wanted to make since forever and never got around to. so this, i guess, was my chance to do it (and provide myself motivation to finish boring homework!)

i was very proud of myself when it was done. i mean, it was kinda hard considering the time crunch. most of my classmates were doing symmetrical outfits and i was the only goon who did something asymmetrical which really is double the work. but it’s done, i’m so proud of it, and i’ve worn it to death since making it!

here is fay, our in-house mo-delle, modeling my jacket. yes, she was one of my classmates and i love her to bits. she’s such a fashionista (although i hate that word) but she’s one of the best dressed people i know. we’ve made multiple attempts at going on a shopping date but it has failed so far. everytime the date comes along, we text each other to say we’re too tired and would rather sleep in bed. HAHAHA! fay!! we need to go out for margeritas and go drunk shopping!!

i would also like to say how proud i am of myself for matching the jacket lining almost perfectly. i am SO damn proud. hahahahahahaha!

faybert’s jacket

fay in ben’s jacket

fay in michael’s jacket. isn’t it pretty? i want to steal it so bad.

michael, modelling tictacs. he’s in paris now and i miss him! we were in class together for a whole year!

my tiny class with our great teacher, anne. i love them. we had good times. weird, but good times. when we lacked sleep and went quite senile and didn’t really know what we were talking about but had a good time laughing anyway.

parsons students, as you can see, bond together because of all the time we spend together:
1) complaining about parsons
2) bitching about homework
3) doing the homework
4) getting no sleep

after all, we are the only ones who understand what the other is going through! when we tell people we haven’t slept in 3 days, people usually respond, “i know, i have so much work too.” no, those people have no idea.

when we tell another parsons fashion student that we haven’t slept in 3 days, IT MEANS WE HAVEN’T SLEPT IN THREE DAYS. FOR REAL.we understand, and we appreciate.

ps: the photos from the ifb event are out! please do some clickety-clicks and vote for me!! wahaha)

(hey, i put in some effort ok! i’m sure you can see that. i even painted my own hat, yo!)

you know, i never grew up with a thanksgiving holiday, so in 2007 when i experienced my first thanksgiving break, well, i spent it in bed. (i take sleeping very seriously.) i mean, i appreciate my life and thanked god for everything i had, but yeah, that was about it! a few friends invited me to their houses but they were all pretty far and i didn’t actually want to spend like a hundred bucks to impose on huge families whom i didn’t know.

so last thanksgiving, while interning at patricia field, they invited me to have thanksgiving dinner with them at gordon ramsay’s maze restaurant at the london. (the london in new york. just don’t get it.) it kind of made sense – none of us were from new york, we were all far away from home and didn’t have families here to celebrate the day with. so we celebrated it together.

sushi, lyndsay, chris, me, julie, tobell

artie, matt, julie, me

sushi, tobell, moto, julie, artie

super extra yummy food!!! it was goooooood!

i’m-a-murderer rabbit scarf
plaid coat with pleated skirt by marc jacobs
dress that i bought cheap doncha love bargains by chloe
the cutest mary janes (and the only ones i have) by viktor&rolf

after dinner, sushi, artie, tobell, moto and i went for drinks at a pretty bar where sushi tried to make me chat up some asian dude. he insisted that if i didn’t come back in 5 minutes with a number, that i was fired. and he was quite serious about it. i refused and wanted to report him to the union. except that i’m not in any unions and do they even have one for interns?

the next day was black friday and tobell performed a little number at the store. it was so cool! i love her. although i pitied the poor, cute little japanese customer who was used a target for her song!

and yes the retard who keeps laughing is me.

then ian and omar did an impromptu dance when beyonce’s “single ladies” came up on the radio. they’re so amazing!!! omar was drunk. and ian probably watched her original video 2 million times, but still, i can’t dance like that to save my life!

don’t you just wish you had talent to be as fluid as the two of them? i have like, 3 dance moves! hahahahaha!

and there’s no wifi down in this shithole so i haven’t been able to blog.

being silly as usual

well at least i’m trying to come up with an original (albeit lame) excuse! quite a number of you have emailed me and i’m so thankful that you still remember who i am in this whirlwind of 72937904 new fashion blogs that come up everyday. thank you so much. and i know, i know, i’m the snobby devil who didn’t reply and you all have the right to bitch-slap me. actually i have hundreds of emails in my inbox and i just don’t know where to start.

you know what i think? i think i’m letting school get to me. i really am. this stupid piece of $#!*@)#$&! (grrrrr) school is just getting to me. new york is jading me and parsons is the jader.

or maybe i’m having some sort of quarter-life crisis. you know, from this year onwards i’m going to be in my late-twenties. last year, i could still say i’m in my early or mid-twenties… but at 26, i feel like i’m getting old and i’m really not ready for this. there’s so much i want to do and with school, i just don’t have time to do anything i want. so it makes me very frustrated and being frustrated makes me tired and hence i feel like i’m getting old. on the other hand i think i’m still a kid at heart. i’m still young like that. or ok, i just dress young. then again, i seem to “dress young” because i think people in america dress old.

sorry, didn’t mean to insult. but i like colour and i like to have fun and everyone here is just black and grey and meh.

erm, am i confusing you? it must be because i haven’t had proper sleep in a while so i’m gibberish.

so. what have you guys been up to? i’ve been trying to catch up with all my favourite blogs through my reader. everyone seems to be moving at some speed of light and i feel a little left behind with my boring old life.

the reason why i decided to drop all my work for a little while and blog tonight, (ps: it’s about 2am) is because i just attended the independent fashion bloggers event organised by the lovely jennine of the coveted, and talking to all these bloggers made me realise how much i actually miss blogging.

i’m da fashion un-police

please click on the image and vote for moi!

but the fact of the matter is, i’ve really been so busy with school that i just, simply don’t have anything to blog about unless you want to hear me bitch about school nonstop. (which by the way, for that, you can check out newschoolinexile.com where we are trying to get rid of/impeach the university’s stupid president. yes, for real.) last year was awful and i fell sick so many times. the moment school ended, i also finished my internship with patricia field and left new york on christmas eve.

i flew to tokyo where i met up with my family. they had flewn up from singapore, and it was the first time in like, 7 or 8 years that all 5 of us had gone for a holiday together. we spent most of the 2 weeks in hokkaido (northern super-cold japan – think snow storms), and the remainder in tokyo.

at shikotsu lake in hokkaido

then we flew back home to singapore where i spent the remainder of my winter holidays, before coming back to new york and starting school immediately. and then you know, it all went downhill again from there. until valentine’s day when i went to the party at the patricia field boutique, i hadn’t gone out since returning to new york. i had only been going to school or to the supermarket. which is basically what my life is about, ever since i came to new york about a year and a half ago.

pathetic, don’t you think? i really don’t have a life at all. someone asked me yesterday if i went out on a date for valentine’s day.

oh wait, i think it was my dad when he called me. haha. yeah, he asked if i went on a date, and i said, “date? what date. oh please. i’d rather date my bed.”

school simply takes up every minute of my time, which means really little sleep, if any at all. every minute of free time i have, i’d rather be sleeping or lying horizontally on my couch. (i guess that’s the same thing in two different venues.)

so anyway, the patricia field boutique had a valentine’s day party where the turn-out was super crazy. i have never seen it so packed, there was a line outside!

claustrophobia at pat field’s

then on sunday the 15th, i went to amalia in midtown to celebrate pat’s birthday. it was so fun and my friend dai (who works at pat field too), performed her new single “i’m a killa”. she was so amazing!!! i thought it was such a waste that i was at such an amazing party like that because i didn’t know all the celebrities who were there. there were quite a bunch of photogs and every once in a while when certain somebodies walk in, the flashes go off and it’s crazy. i think the cast of ugly betty was there, some actresses and actors… the only one i really recognized was lucy liu. ohhh and fern mallis was there too! i wanted to ambush her but of course i didn’t.

with pat and ayumi (why am i smiling weird??)

and today, the 16th, i headed downtown, very downtown, to meet fashion bloggers where i was reminded again that my parents never taught me social skills and i blame them entirely for it. haha! i mean, i just don’t know how to go up to people and butt in and say hi! the best i did was to smile around and if anyone smiled back then i was like, “ooh make friends make friends!”

so that, ladies and genteelmen, is the story of my sad life.

and i know you didn’t want to read all that. you just want pictures! right?? i’m gonna upload them, yes i am. cross my heart and hope to die.

so here’s a list of notable events that i’d been up to in the past few months (and the only reason why i remember them is because they were the only ones worth taking pictures of!):

20081127 thanksgiving & black friday with my pat field family (sniff)
20081208 last projects at school
20081221 christmas party with trannyclaus and the house of field
20081224-20090121 winter break to japan and singapore
20090214 valentine’s day at patricia field
20090215 pat field’s birthday
20090216 ifb event

wow. as you can see, the only times i get to have fun is when i run away from new york or when i hang out at pat field (which was partly work-related too)!

i really really need to put work aside sometimes and go out and find myself a social life.

i’m not sure how to do this – what’s the best way for me to upload all these photos? do i start from the beginning? or do i go backwards!?

i guess i’ll do a “series” of photos and start from that thanksgiving date eh?

ps: i was just trying to think of a funny name for this series of photos, and all i could think of was “gilda day-dreamer and the prisoner of parsons”. you know, like harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban.

pps: i try to be funny sometimes but i really am not.

so i know that 99.3819274% of fashion bloggers have already blogged about this topic, but i still have to say that i really wanted a lot of things from the comme des garçons for h&m line. to my horror, i had classes that morning when the collection came out, which left me ranting and bitching for a few hours. thankfully, a good friend of mine had no classes that morning, and he went to wait in line outside the stores at 6 in the morning!

i sent him a short list of things to buy for me, with whatever money he had left after his own shopping. he was 5th in line to go in but unfortunately, by the time he could grab some girls’ clothes for me, most of what i wanted was already gone. in fact, i wanted the polka dot bag and frock coat so badly, but my boss from patricia field who went to the press release said that it was gone by then. huh! that sucks!

so my friend got for me the black polka dot scarf, as well as the white shirt with ruffled sleeves. which i am very happy with and eternally grateful for. when my morning class ended at 12, i took a cab to the nearest h&m and there was nothing much left but i managed to get myself a red cardigan, long-sleeve teeshirt and a hat. i know what you’re thinking – they are all full of polka dots! yes, if you haven’t noticed by now, i have a lot of clothes with stripes, plaid and polka dots! i am a walking fashion taboo.

did you guys manage to get anything? show me your loot! and if you managed to get the frock coat, i am going to steal it from you when you are asleep.

by the way, i also went and got my hair done. i had like an inch of dark brown, overgrown roots for the longest time and it was killing me. i wore hats everyday! i had no time to get it touched up, which is another poor excuse for not taking any photos. haha! you want another excuse? i’ve piled on some pounds because of that stupid nutella in my pantry. UGH.

hello, gym. my name is gilda.

new wall stickers! isn’t it cute?

this is my new look for when my ears get cold. why didn’t comme des garçons design polkadot ear muffs! hello???

white wrinkled tee by muji
red polkadot cardigan by comme des garçons for h&m
black polkadot scarf by comme des garçons for h&m
blue jeans that are falling apart
brown leather boots that are falling apart from topshop
pink watch from toywatch
mad hatter necklace from paraphernalia

i’m not gonna lie; i like the new ash colour!

poppopoooo!

yoohooo!! remember me?

how have you guys been doing? my life was turned upside down about a month ago, and while i was sick, i lagged behind in so much school work and everything piled up like crazy, i had to get my priorities right and keep away from blogging for a little while.

although you have NO idea how many times i opened a new tab in my browser to start blogging, or to twitter, and had to force myself to close the tab because i knew once i started, i’d be on it for hours!!!

i’ve been away for so long. i’ve missed writing! thank you so much to those of you who have commented or emailed me personally in the last month or so. i know, i really meant to be back to blogging much earlier. but there’s only so little time to each day. i love blogging and will do this forever, but you know and i know, that blogging isn’t my first passion – fashion is! and that’s really what i have been doing.

yay!

this song has been ringing in my head for the last week! it’s just making me so happy.

“supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious
if you say it loud enough, you’ll always sound precocious
supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay!!”

ain’t it so great? i’ve loved it as a child, and i still love it tons now.

i was watching “akeelah and the bee” on the telly last night, and this really had a huge impact on me:

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of God. your playing small does not serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. it’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

by marianne williamson

isn’t it beautiful? i think i want to write it out on some canvas and stick it up on my wall, as a constant reminder to myself.

i am currently working on a project with two good friends of mine from school, and it’s a secret and i can’t really say anything about it yet, but i can tell you that ever since we talked about it last week, it’s been giving me goosebumps and i am very excited about our prospects. i can’t wait to see it happen! i hope all goes well. there’s gonna be a lot of planning and thinking, and hopefully god will bless us with tons of luck!

the year is ending! isn’t that crazy? time goes by so fast! i’m looking forward to the end of this school semester. honestly i’m so tired and over it already!

having said that, we are currently making a jacket in school and i will have pictures up as soon as it is complete. it is going to be so damn magnificent. i’m not going to lie – i’m fucking excited about it. ahaha! can’t wait can’t wait!

i’ve been decorating my room recently. i know what you’re thinking – “didn’t she move in there like… a gazillion years ago?” yes, i did. i moved in here in march. but i just never had the time to really do much about it, so it has been a really boring, small little white box! i’m not done yet, nah-ah. i still have a ton of paintings i want to put up, and photos in pretty frames that i’ve been working on, and erm, whatever else that rocks my boat. i’ve put off this project for the longest time but since i started hanging things around my room a couple of weeks ago, it has put me in a tremendously good mood!

one side of my wall

the other side of the wall

covered my bloody ugly light (that came with the room) with lace!!

close up! isn’t it so pretty? i love it so much now.

found this little darling and am still wondering where to hang it permanently.

painting my dresser!

yes, ladies and gentlemen, i have so many projects on my hands right now, i don’t know where to start.

nay!

nutella is the devil. i am quite convinced. i don’t mean that in an entire bad way. i mean, nutella is just so good. it’s so good that it’s bad. i haven’t had nutella for 5 years since i never found when i was living in japan. then a few weeks ago, i came across a jar of nutella in the supermarket. so i spread it thick on some british muffins. i hate you nutella. i am growing sideways and it’s all your fault.

my thanksgiving trip to tokyo is cancelled and i am currently moping at home. in the end, it boils down to the fact that i’m not a rich kid who gets everything she wants. the economy is bad and i cannot want everything. smap is having their concerts all over japan now, and for the first time in years, i am not there to see it. i feel like a part of me is cut away and i cannot even begin to describe to you how sad i am. the only saving grace is that i will be going to tokyo and hokkaido with my family at the end of the year. i think it has been at least 6 years since my whole family has gone on a vacation together. so it will be a time for me to spend with them, and to catch up with friends in tokyo. it will, however, be a smap-less trip.

i hate myself for getting sick and not completing several projects, the most important one being the sarrouel pants for my contest winners! i am so sorry, and the only excuse i can offer is this: i made them halfway and got sick, and my schoolwork piled up and i was in danger of failing my class. so i had to put everything to do with this blog away, and risk embarrassing myself in front of you guys. but it’s the thanksgiving holiday week, and i promise you they will get done and be on their way to you!

most of you know that i’ve been sick for a while. the stress just sort of piled high and i fainted. after fainting twice, i decided that something was wrong and i made a trip to the hospital and discovered how disgusting and germ-breeding new york hospitals are.

putting the 371927 hours of waiting i did in the hospital to good use – croquis!

yes, i have a million allergies.

i was put through multiple tests, and the results were that i was overstressed, and might have a blood clot in my lungs or a hole in my heart. i’m due for more tests… hopefully they will go alright! wish me luck!

till then, i promise to get back to each and every one of you who have emailed me in the last month. your emails have really warmed my heart and kept me going!

i’m so tired i can’t even explain how tired i am.

when i had a hiatus a while ago because of problems with my blogging platform, i never thought i’d take so much time off it again. but it seems i’ve been quite inexistent in the past week or so eh?

i’m really sorry.

those of you who follow me on twitter would know that i’ve been in really bad shape recently, and although i’m feeling good and am generally laughing and joking around all day (while bitching nonstop with all my friends about school), i fainted in my bathroom yesterday. it was quite a sudden thing and i had no idea it was coming. in fact, when i regained consciousness, i found myself sitting on the floor against my sink, and realised that i had hit my head so hard against the freakin’ toilet bowl (thank god i didn’t drown in it. haha!), my head had a huge bump, and i had somehow managed to dislodge the seat cover!! don’t know how that happened.

after i recovered from the daze and twittered about it, i received quite a number of kind responses, emails, and even texts on my phone. i love you guys, you’re all so nice.

i guess the stress has really piled on or something, i have no idea. i’ve always had really bad health and spent most of my childhood sick, in and out of hospital. now i have headaches all the time and hardly get proper sleep. it’s usually no sleep for a couple of days, then an hour or so in between, and major catching up on the zzz during the weekend.

it’s really my own fault – i have super bad time management although i’m getting way better at it. but i think the main reason is that no matter how early i start something, i want it to be perfect or i’d rather not do it at all. and because i’m not as fast at design illustration and painting as i wish to be, it takes me forever to finish a collection that takes some of my highly skilled friends 3 hours.

i know i want to go down this road to being a fashion designer, but honestly i don’t know whether all this stress is worth it. i don’t even think it is supposed to be as bad as this. parsons is just trying to take all our money and stress us out and then try to fail us.

but i want it so bad, i simply can’t give it up right now.

no. way.

and certainly not after i posted that entry about following your dreams!

speaking of which, after that post i’ve read all your comments, and many of you emailed me privately. it was all very touching and i’m so happy that that entry spoke to some of you. i had written a follow up entry, but after reading all your responses i feel i need to work on it more thoroughly.

so it will be up this weekend, i promise.

in the meantime, i’m typing this in bed because i’m feeling woozy. it’s 9am and i’m supposed to be in class now, and i’m probably gonna get in trouble for missing it. i need to go to the doctor’s later to get some tests done and find out why in god’s name did i faint.

i can’t miss any more classes after this. i hate our stupid attendance policy. fuck you parsons.

a little while ago, (actually, so long ago. haha!) we did a children’s collection for one of our school projects. i’d never designed children’s clothes before so it was tough! you need to find the right fabrics that aren’t gonna be poke-y, the right sewing methods that aren’t going to interfere with their movements, i mean there really is a lot to consider!

on top of that, i had no idea how to draw kids! hahahaha.

the parameters of our project stated that it had to be based on a certain kind of traditional or ethnic crafts. so what i focused and drew inspiration on was from wayang kulit, which originates from indonesia and literally translates to “shadow puppet”. i remember seeing these long ago when i was really young. thinking back, they are actually kinda scary because they all have these mean faces. but it is really an amazing craft and involves leather cut-outs. it’s quite beautiful as an art form.

so i actually created some prints to go onto the fabrics, which is quite hard to see after i scanned in my designs.

since the collection was based an indonesian art, i also made use of a lot of the shapes and forms that i found in traditional indonesian wear, and the way that they would dress the gods in these cut-out leather pieces. there were a lot of sarongs, a lot of cuffs and gathered puffy pants and sleeves. i found some traditional silk used as sarongs, which is almost like the indonesian/malay form of plaid. then i wanted to use more plaid-ish fabrics and since they were kids, i used gingham.

the collection was called chibikko, which means “little kid” in japanese slang.

personally i quite liked this collection myself. i think a lot of the pieces can be translated to adult clothing, which is what my teacher wanted us to think about as well. just like how marc has little marc! heh heh.

most of all, i want that raincoat, yes i do.